How Fearing Failure Shaped My Pursuit of the American Dream

Fearing Failure with the American Dream

Fearing failure naturally shadowed me as I aspired to achieve the American Dream. This dream embodies the belief that regardless of one’s initial circumstances, success is attainable through hard work and determination. My understanding of the American Dream was shaped by observing my refugee parents’ journey from Vietnam to America in pursuit of a better life.

Witnessing my two sisters follow similar paths further reinforced this goal for me. Both my sisters pursued higher education, secured high-level jobs in corporate companies, married early, started families, and invested in homes. Their paths seemed to epitomize success and set a path for their youngest sister to follow.

The Impact of Fearing Failure on College Decisions

My perfectionism, fear of the unknown, along with my constant fear of failure, kept me in my little safe corner of Northwest Arkansas when I was entering college back in 2013. Early into my senior year of high school, I had gotten into my first real relationship, and college acceptances were rolling in.

When it was time to decide where to go for school, I was torn between the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville or Arizona State University in Phoenix. There was certainly a lot to be fearful about with going to ASU, especially with my tendency towards fearing failure. Below I made a table to showcase some of the factors that played into my decision-making.

My refugee parents sacrificed their lives for their children, and my two older sisters were prime role models for me growing up. My sisters are over a decade older than me and were always a stage or two ahead of me in life. I felt pressured to make calculated and strategic decisions for my life so that I could follow the family trend. Fearing failure, I decided that if I went to the U of A, it would be cheaper, I would have family nearby, and I could continue my relationship with my boyfriend.

Although ASU had an amazing journalism program, I would have knowingly gotten myself into an enormous amount of debt, left my entire family, and risked losing my first real relationship. It just made sense to play it safe and take the cheaper, closer option. It’s what my sisters did and they had done very well for themselves.

Fearing failure influenced my decision to stay close to home, where the comfort and security of family and familiarity outweighed the potential benefits of a more prestigious program.

The Journey of Fearing Failure throughout my Career

Starting and failing in my first career move: the news industry

Throughout my life, I was very much of a go-getter. In high school, I started preparing for a career in journalism starting in the 9th grade. I was the main news anchor, completed a documentary by myself, and graduated high school early. In college, I had several internships, one being with the local news station. This opportunity turned into a paying position as a web producer. This mirrored similar to my sister’s start into her career from an internship to a paid position in the corporate world. Although there was some anxiety that I wasn’t pursuing the corporate life, this felt like a good sign and that I was on the right track.

Working in the news industry wasn’t what I thought it would be like though. People just wanted to move on up to a higher market and the work grind was non-stop. The quality of journalism wasn’t there. Even though it wasn’t a healthy work environment, when I lost my job as a web producer with no reason given, I broke down and was devastated. I failed at my first journalism job and I internalized that deeply into my self-worth.

At this time, I was very lost because I had been preparing for a journalism career since I was 14 years old and didn’t know what this meant for me. Did I waste 6 years of my life towards a career that I was just going to just fail at?

Post-graduation career moves

Still lost but determined to earn my college degree as a first-generation American, I earned my Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism in 2016. I even graduated a semester early, saving thousands of dollars in tuition. My dream after college was to travel and be a documentary reporter. During college, I went on an international reporting trip to Bolivia where I covered stories like child labor and local authors in the Santa Cruz area. Recently, I rediscovered my website documenting that journey. It broke my heart, and tears burst out of my eyes to see that almost 10 years later, I did not listen to my own words.

AFTER GRADUATION, I WANT TO TRAVEL AND BECOME A DOCUMENTARY REPORTER.

– Mai in 2014

After graduation, I was four years into my relationship and still living in my safe corner in NWA. Most often, journalists need to move to small cities in the middle of nowhere to begin their careers in broadcast television news. Moving was not an ideal option for me in my relationship. He was trying to start his career in Arkansas and didn’t really want to move away from his family.

There’s a lot of risk and challenges involved with moving and trying to start a career at the same time. Although it was something I wanted to explore and take a chance on, with fearing failure, I hesitated. This wasn’t what my boyfriend wanted. I loved him so much, and at the time, he was one piece of the American Dream that seemed to be on the right track, so I didn’t leave.

Instead of getting a job right out of college like I had hoped, I was working in another internship as a motion graphics and animations intern at the U of A. Having a freshly earned college degree and getting paid $12 an hour with no insurance benefits wasn’t quite something to be proud of. Continually fearing failure, I needed a break from the disappointing reality of post-graduation, so I went to Vietnam with my mother and sister but planned to stay after they left. I stayed with some extended family members and took a solo trip around the country. This was the beginning of my solo traveling journey.

After my trip, I had a new sense of empowerment and refocused on building my career, but this time in digital marketing.

Starting and failing in my second career move: the corporate world

By this time, it’s 2017 and I’m 21 years old. The largest bank in my home state of Arkansas hired me as their digital content specialist. This was my first corporate job, and I was utilizing my degree to produce a documentary-style content marketing program. This was an opportunity of a lifetime where I could consistently get paid to make documentaries, live near my family, and be with my partner.

With this job, I was managing a $100,000 content marketing program, sharing the good work of people helping others in our area. Within the first couple of months, I got to go to the company shareholders meeting and promote my program. This is an exclusive invite-only meeting, and there are employees who have worked there for 30+ years who haven’t had a chance to go.

Where this job went south was when my anxiety was building up with my new manager. He was hired right after me and was not the original manager I had. We were just not a good match. Anxiety built inside, and I felt like I was drowning. Almost every day, I would go home crying in tears.

My newly-found dream job became a nightmare. This was such a good job opportunity, and I didn’t want to lose it, but my new manager and I did not work well at all. I missed my original manager, who had so much personality, was so kind, and relatable. He was still my boss, but just my manager’s boss, so I would have meetings with him trying to get through this challenging time with this new team setup.

Fearing failure, I tried to make it work, but it wasn’t enough. After a panic attack, they let me go. After losing my first corporate “big-kid” job, I went into a severe depression. I was continuing to fail at achieving the American Dream. Although I was only 22 at the time, it just felt like I couldn’t do anything right. My sisters were able to do it; why couldn’t I? Fearing failure consumed me, and I questioned if I would ever find my path to success.

Starting and finding purpose in my third career move: teaching

To pay the bills and get a job quickly, I became a substitute teacher. During this time, I was seriously considering getting a master’s degree in Digital Marketing, but I was terrified of having all these student loans. Fearing failure again, I hesitated to take on $40,000+ in debt because I didn’t know if it would be worth it. Luckily, through substitute teaching, I realized how fulfilling it was to help others, especially kids. That was when I pursued a non-traditional licensure in education. It was also the more financially and less risky move because the investment was roughly $3,000. Career-wise, this was definitely not what I had anticipated for myself, but I had to do something.

I’m proud to say my teaching career lasted five years. Throughout that time, I survived through COVID policies, three superintendent changes, and developing an award-winning computer science program.

Fearing failure, I found teaching gave me so much purpose during a time when I felt so defeated. I was helping kids daily, and there was a constant need for me that I didn’t feel in other jobs. Although it wasn’t what I had originally planned, it also gave me an opportunity to purchase a house because I got an educator discount. This unexpected path helped me rebuild my confidence and provided stability, allowing me to find success in a way I hadn’t imagined.

Fearing Failure in my Relationship

Too young to know what I want but too scared to figure it out

I grew up in a small conservative town where the norm is to marry at a young age. Although marrying young wasn’t a goal for me, part of my American dream was to find “my person” early on in life just like my siblings and not have to date much. Meeting my former partner at 14 and being friends with him for a few years before entering a relationship felt like the universe was working in my favor. I thought I met my person and so I spent my entire adult life with him up until I was almost 27.

There were so many times where I wanted to explore moving to another state to pursue my career or further my education, but I had to consider my partner in those decisions because that’s what you do in a committed relationship. I feared making a mistake in choosing myself over the relationship. I feared appearing selfish for exploring my interests if it was going to clash with the relationship. What I’ve come to learn is that you should only make those considerations when you also know yourself more otherwise you could be living for the relationship and the partner, but not for yourself.

As time went on so did the length of the relationship and it became increasingly more difficult to understand who I was without my partner. Other than work, we pretty much did everything together. Life became very routine: wake up, go to work, go home, make dinner, watch tv, and go to sleep. It was nice to have a companion to do things with, but we became entirely too co-dependent on each other.

Another realization I’ve gained is that you should be exploring in your 20s and discovering who you are by yourself. This is the time to make those mistakes, find what you like and don’t like, and take those risks. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted in life during my early 20s. Yet, I made so many huge compromises and major life-defining decisions with the consideration of my partner despite knowing what I truly wanted for myself.

Unknowingly in the emotional abuse cycle

You know the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me?” What a load of bullshit that we are told as kids. Words can most certainly hurt and damage our self-esteem. I wish people spoke more about was emotional abuse and not putting up with people’s hurtful words but we want to put a tough face on and not let it get to us. However, if we don’t talk about it, we suffer in the shame of our damaged egos and silence ourselves in connecting with others.

The emotional abuse started roughly 4 years into the relationship. It started off with the occasional outburst or name calling, but it was always met with an apology and him confessing his unwavering love for me. It was frustrating and depressing at times, but he would always apologize and tell me how much he loved me and that we were meant to be together. He was so certain of our relationship and with the lack of confidence in myself, I believed him more than I believed my doubts.

There would a period of time where he would do things for me to show his love for me and I would think all is getting better. The arguing, yelling, and shaming didn’t happen all the time. It was really hard to experience this, but I was always told that “relationships aren’t easy” so keeping that in mind, I pushed through. Little did I know of red flags or non-negotiables in a relationship.

Scared to leave but scared to stay in my abusive relationship

The longer you are in a relationship with someone, the more difficult it becomes to see a life without them. Their presence becomes a vital like the air we breathe. They become family and sometimes they know you better than you know yourself. We lived together after a year into the relationship and was each other’s best friend doing everything together. It was incredibly scary to think of a life without my partner after spending almost a decade with them.

However, the abuse became increasingly worse when we bought our house. There was screaming, throwing, more shaming and name-calling. I was not my best version with this person and was defensively partaking in unhealthy communication as well. The abuse became physical, and I feared bearing children into this relationship. At this point, although I had a house and a relationship, but I was not going to comfortably birth children that I hoped I would have in my pursuit of my American dream.

We started seeking professional help to navigate our relationship. It was incredibly helpful and gave me the strength to speak up for myself. By 26, my entire adult life was in a relationship and nearly all of it was living with my partner. Weeks after our 9-year anniversary and an engagement proposal, my heart was desperately calling a moment of clarity.

Overcoming Fearing Failure in my Life

There were two key moments that gave me the strength to confront my fears.

First, I began to question more about how the relationship was hurting me rather than helping. There was a point where there was more bad than good and had nothing else left to lose. I hope no one has to hit rock bottom before finding the courage to leave, but that’s what happened for me. I had spent years feeling uncertain about the situation I was in and the only way to really know was to get out and see what it was like. Also, the more I found compassion and love for myself, the more I gained the courage to confront my fears.

Second, I began to ask myself what I truly wanted for myself regardless of cultural or societal norms. This whole time I had been pursuing my version of the American dream without actually determining if this was the life I really wanted. I was never going to truly know what I wanted until I explored all the interests I was open to regardless of how different it was to the norm.

The Healing Process

After I left my long-term relationship, I started the healing process by committing to improving my mental health at no matter what cost. Weekly therapy sessions for two years significantly helped me take time for myself and process all the changes I was going through. Even when times were great, I would still go to therapy because it was vital for me to understand myself during the good times and the bad. I probably didn’t need to go for two years but I was preparing to move to another country and continued therapy until it was time to move.

Another part of my healing process included taking anxiety medicine. I had been taking medicine since I lost my first corporate job. There is quite a bit of shame involved with taking medicine for mental health, but if it weren’t for medicine and therapy, I would have never had the strength to try teaching.

Throughout this time post-breakup, I allowed myself to experiment with life and have tried many new things such as skydiving, outdoor boudoir, solo traveling, and much more!

I don’t regret anything that has happened to me because I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without my imperfect past. It’s a unique journey that has actually connected me to more people because they resonate with the fear of failure and fear of the unknown.

What I have to remind myself constantly these days is that we are all living life for the first time so it’s crucial to be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate the uncertainty of life.