As a solo traveler and licensed skydiver, people often assume that I’m fearless, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. In this reflection, I share my experience with fear and how I’ve transformed it into a more useful emotion in my life.
What is fear?
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It’s a natural and sometimes intense feeling ignited by real or imagined danger. People respond to fear by either confronting or avoiding it. The choice to face our fears or evade them is entirely ours. Here’s a saying has stuck with me over the years.
“Fear has two meanings. Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything and Rise.”
What are some common fears?
Fear of the unknown
Venturing into unfamiliar territory is undoubtedly intimidating. It triggers anxiety, especially if you’re treading a path you’ve never walked before. This fear manifests as nervousness or apprehension towards situations, experiences, or things unfamiliar to you.
For me, the fear of the unknown would definitely creep in if I was trying something new and afraid of failing at it. The anxiety would intensify because of my fear of mistakes, and the uncertainty of outcomes. At times, this almost made trying anything new seem impossible.
Fear of failure
The fear of failure can present itself in various aspects of one’s personal or professional life. We may feel scared about not meeting our own expectations or the standards of others. It can make us feel anxious and apprehensive because we’re defining our self-worth based on our performance.
Personally, this one hits hard because I was a perfectionist most of my life. Criticism was hard because it felt like an attack on my worthiness as a person. The fear of failure would stop me from trying anything that I didn’t think I would do well at.
Fear of rejection
It can be very discouraging to deal with rejection. This is especially painful if you connect your self-worth to the actions of acceptance and rejection. This fear can show up in many aspects of life, such as job interviews, relationships, creative endeavors and more.
In my early 20s, I lost a couple of “big-kid” jobs and that really hurt because I felt so inadequate, unsuccessful and lost. Everything I had planned for myself wasn’t working out, and I felt hopeless and unwanted.
Redefining the purpose of fear
Changing my outlook on why fear exists in my life has been pivotal in creating a more adventurous life for myself. Fear is merely an emotional indicator that I’m about to embark on an unfamiliar task and need to proceed with caution.
By redefining the purpose of fear, I am able to use it as a tool instead of a barrier. Imagine the journey of life as if we are driving in a car down a long road. Fear is the warning signal that our car is equipped with rather than a roadblock towards our destination. So say you are taking a new route and the alarm starts blaring. The alarms do not mean we need to stop and retreat, but perhaps we just need to assess the situation.
The 5 whys method to understanding the root problem of your fears
The 5 whys method is a problem-solving technique that involves repeatedly asking “why” to uncover the root cause of a particular problem or issue. When teaching problem-solving, I often introduced this technique to my middle school students to delve into the causes of issues.
- Identify the problem or fear. What is it that you’re afraid of?
- Ask yourself why the problem or fear exists. Try to uncover the immediate cause to this fear.
- Ask yourself why again. Take the answer from the previous step and ask why that particular cause happened. Continue this process for each answer you generate, asking “why” repeatedly.
- Repeat this questioning process at least five times or until you feel like you’ve reached a point where you’re not gaining anymore insight to your fear or problem.
- Uncover the root cause of the fear. Is there something in your past that caused this fear to form?
- Take action. Once you understand the root cause, you can take start looking for appropriate solutions.
Example of using the 5 whys method to uncovering the root cause of a fear
Step 1: Identify the problem or fear.
Question: “What is it that you’re afraid of?”
Answer: “I have a fear of heights.”
Step 2: Ask yourself why the problem exists.
Q: “Why do I have a fear of heights?”
A: “Because I feel anxious and shaky whenever I’m in a high place.”
Step 3 and 4: Ask yourself why again and repeat the process.
Q: “Why do I feel anxious and shaky in high places?”
A: “Because I’m worried that I might fall and get hurt.”
Q: “Why am I worried about falling and getting hurt?”
A: “Because I once had a near-fall experience from a tall ladder, and it scared me.”
Q: “Why did the near-fall experience from the ladder scare me so much?
A: “Because I lost my balance and felt completely out of control, and I thought I might seriously injure myself.”
Q: “Why did feeling out of control and the possibility of injury affect me so deeply?”
A: “Because I already had a tendency towards anxiety, and the ladder incident intensified my fear of losing control and being injured, especially when I’m off the ground.”
Step 5: Uncover the root cause of the fear.
The fear of heights seems to stem from a combination of a pre-existing tendency toward anxiety and a specific incident involving a near-fall from a ladder that heightened the fear of losing control and getting injured while off the ground.
Step 6: Take action.
Consider seeking therapy to work on the underlying anxiety and the traumatic ladder incident. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or exposure therapy could be beneficial. Gradually expose yourself to heights in a controlled and safe environment. Start with small steps, like climbing a step stool, then gradually progress to taller heights. Learn and practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, to manage anxiety when encountering heights. Create positive associations. Replace negative associations with positive ones by focusing on positive experiences in high places or engaging in activities that help build confidence. Find your support system. Share your fear with friends or family who can provide encouragement and support during the process of overcoming the fear.
Reframing fear: striving for less fear, not fearless
The pursuit of fearlessness can be an intimidating endeavor. The term itself, ‘fearless,’ often implies a complete absence of fear. It’s similar to the concept of being car-less, which simply means not having a car. Yet, shedding fear is a much more intricate process than relinquishing material possessions. This is precisely why adopting the perspective of ‘less fear’ holds value in our journey to confront and overcome our fears. Rather than aspiring to be entirely without fear, let’s focus on cultivating a life with reduced fear. Fear, after all, is a natural emotional response that should guide us, not control us.
What initiated this journey?
Following the end of my 9-year relationship in August of 2021, I launched into a journey of self-discovery. Having been in a relationship throughout my entire adult life, from 17 to 26, I felt an intense pressure to play catch-up. Online dating was terrifyingly new to me, living alone was strange, and relying solely on my gut was unpracticed. Through lots of trials and errors, I gained a lot of confidence through embarking life on my own.
Tired of following the life I thought I should live, I finally gave myself the freedom to explore my true desires. Some might label this pursuit as self-centered, but the truth is, I had never truly explored my own aspirations. I always took into consideration of my partner’s wants without fully understanding my own identity. At the end of the day though, I don’t think anyone would discourage someone from exploring their most authentic self and that is what I started to pursue.
Cultivating intuition and confidence through solo travel
Solo traveling is both empowering and exciting. There’s so much freedom with traveling on your own terms and exploring the world around you. That freedom allows you to take risks on your own terms without worrying about what others can or can’t handle. Traveling with others can be fun but also limiting. Relying solely on myself during these trips helped build my intuition and confidence because I had to learn to trust myself first and foremost.
In October of 2021, I went on a solo trip around the country to Tampa, Boston, Chicago, and Denver. Being a teacher and not making a lot of money, I had to budget wisely. Be sure to check my guide on finding cheap flights! In each city I went to, I didn’t really know what I was going to do there. All I did was have my flight booked and my hostel reserved. Those were my main priorities so I could stay flexible throughout the trip.
For spring break in 2022, I went to Italy. This was my first solo trip to a foreign country where I completely didn’t know the language! Solo traveling in a European country where I’m unfamiliar with the culture and language served as a unique and challenging environment to practice honing in my intuition. I even explored dating internationally during this trip, which I’ve made a guide for.
Confronting my fear of the unknown with skydiving
In high school I had told myself, “When I turn 18, I will go skydiving.” We had a drop zone in my hometown of Siloam Springs, Arkansas and I wanted to do that for my 18th birthday. However, it’s usually really cold during my birthday month, and I was going through some personal challenges at the time, so I never went.
Almost 9 years later, in July of 2021, my former partner and I went skydiving with GoJump Las Vegas. That was one of the most terrifying but exhilarating moments of my life. There was this incredibly intense fear of the unknown as I was sitting in the plane going up to 15,000 feet. I had no idea what to expect. You can see the progression of my emotions in the photos above. Be sure to check out my guide on picking a safe and fun skydiving drop zone!
Pursuing my skydiving license
After I went tandem skydiving, those following months were an intense year of personal growth. Countless therapy sessions and self-help books became my guides along this transformative journey. Embracing life as a single woman navigating adulthood for the first time, coupled with my ventures in solo travel, became potent sources of empowerment and confidence. I distinctly recall stumbling upon a video showcasing wingsuit BASE jumping and I was like, “I want to do that!” Not long after, I researched what I needed to do and that was to start off with getting my skydiving license. April 2023 marked a significant milestone as I obtained my A license in skydiving. Since then, I’ve been diligently pursuing the next level of achievement—my B license.
If you’re interested in seeing my process towards my skydiving license, visit my TikTok page to see each jump! Follow for more videos empowering you to confront fear and to try something new.
What is my next fearful step in life?
It has been a dream of mine for years to travel and live abroad. Traveling has always been an interest of mine and the thought of living abroad sounded exciting and fun. I applied for the Working Holiday Visa in New Zealand and got accepted.
The Working Holiday Visa is a type of visa that encourages and allows young travelers (typically 30 and under) to travel, work and stay in a country for a year.
My cousin lived abroad for a year in Australia through the Working Holiday Visa, and I credit him for introducing this idea to me. He told me about this visa, and I was so excited to apply. At the time, I had just finished college, didn’t have any obligations, but I was in my long-term relationship. I would have loved to go with my partner at the time, but this is where a lot of tension built because I wanted to move and he just wasn’t sure how we would make it happen. Years later, the dream still lingered, but my life stayed in Arkansas.
So now that I’m trying to listen to my heart and what speaks true to me, I am finally getting to pursue my dream of living abroad. In September of 2023, I will be moving to New Zealand for at least a year. Even though I’m really anxious about moving abroad alone, I have to remind myself that my fear is just a warning signal rather than a roadblock.
Where to start your journey
To start living with less fear and not letting it hold you back, I think it’s essential to seek and accept support. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I didn’t accept or seek out the help I’ve received.
we need support. We need folks who will let us try on new ways of being without judging us. We need a hand to pull us up off the ground when we get kicked down in the arena.
Daring Greatly by Dr. Brené Brown
Go to therapy
After my break-up in 2021, I made it a goal to commit to improving my mental health. I was in therapy on and off between 2013 and 2021. However, beginning in mid-July of 2021 to June 2023, I went to therapy weekly. Even when life was going well for me, I kept continued the routine of checking and assessing my progress with my therapist. The only reason I really stopped was because I am moving abroad to New Zealand so I won’t be able to continue my sessions with them.
Self-help book recommendations
I love self-help books. They are a great resource to analyze and process my life. If I’m able to find a book about an issue, it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one dealing with it.
There is one person in particular that I credit with empowering me in my less fearful journey, and that is Dr. Brené Brown.
She is a research professor having spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She has six #1 New York Times bestsellers and hosts two-award-winning podcasts, which I also recommend.
If you’re feeling inadequate and unworthy, you must read The Gifts of Imperfection. This is the first book I read from Dr. Brown. It focuses on letting go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are. For example, in her book, she discusses how to let go of what other people think of us and how to cultivate more authenticity. This book is incredible and easy to read.
If you’re feeling like you’re not enough, you have shame, or have difficulties with being vulnerable, check out Daring Greatly. In her book, she discusses the myths of vulnerability and how it impacts various aspects of our lives from personal relationships to professional endeavors.
If you’re not really in tune with your feelings, I recommend reading Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. This book explores more than 80 emotions and experiences that make up what it means to be human. The purpose of this book is to help us understand ourselves more so that we can make more meaningful connections with others.
Putting fear into practice
Identify and acknowledge your feelings. Are you feeling scared? Own it. Don’t ignore it. Remember that all feelings are temporary, and your feelings are not a reflection of who you are as a person. Do the 5 whys method as mentioned above.
I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brené Brown
Finding the courage to confront your fears is 90% the battle. The actual task you want to do is probably not as bad or difficult. For example, the actual experience of falling in the sky is not that hard but working up the courage to get on the plane and jump out is the terrifying part. Seek self-compassion and self-care methods. When you can find worthiness in yourself, showing up and confronting your fears gets easier.
Loving and accepting ourselves are the ultimate acts of courage.
The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brené Brown
The more you expose yourself to the fear the faster you can overcome it. If you can find a way to gradually exposure yourself to the fear in a safe environment, you can start getting more comfortable overcoming it. People often ask me, are you still nervous on your solo skydiving jumps? The answer is not usually and that’s because continuously exposing myself to fear has made me a little more brave each and every time.
The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.
Daring Greatly by Dr. Brené Brown
Key Takeaways
- Fear is a natural emotional response
- Think of fear as a warning signal rather than a roadblock
- Use the 5 whys technique to discover the root cause of your fear
- Consider going to therapy and reading self-help books
